Saying Goodbye. February 26, 2009

Well, after one really hard, long, drawn-out decision….it’s time to come home.  I say my final “goodbye” to the great state of New Mexico tomorrow at 7am.

This is my farewell to the Land of Enchantment (New Mexico) and to the City of Vision (Rio Rancho) and it goes a little something like this….

Is it weird that I don’t really know what to say or how to start this?
I could jabber on about my decision and why I’m doing this, but I feel most of you already know the answer to that from my previous posts.  Ultimately I just can’t handle being out here anymore.  I miss my family and friends too much.  I think it really says something when you sit at home on the weekends and find yourself starring at the walls and wishing it was a workday.  Wtf is my problem?…oh yeah, I have NO ONE out here.  So the time has come…I need my life back.  I’ve done all that I can to at least TRY to get happy, and I just feel like I am failing.  I just knew something wasn’t right when I started to cry every single day.

So instead of reflecting on my decision and why I’m doing this, I’m just going to write about my time in NM.  The Land of Enchantment has been so amazing.  I know it probably wasn’t my first pick of states to move to, but damn close enough.  My dream since I was a little girl was to move out west and to be able to ski in the Rockies every weekend.  I’m pretty sure I accomplished it, and I’m couldn’t be more proud of myself!  Moving out to NM was the best decision I have ever made.

New Mexico, although not the greatest place to live, is so amazing.  I think people underestimate its beauty.  Did you know a high percentage of Americans don’t even know the location of New Mexico, let alone it’s even a state in the US?  Kinda crazy, huh?  New Mexico is such a beautiful place, the weather is amazing, the views are breathtaking, there is a lot to do and see, and a lot to take in.  People usually think of NM is a barren desert and the only thing to do is chase rattlesnakes and play with the occasional cactus.  That’s not it at all.  Infact, one of the major quotes established with Albuquerque is “There’s a mountain here!” 
I would love to share with you every single experience, every single thing I’ve learned, and every single major thing that has happened over the last two years…but there aren’t enough words to describe it and I’m sure you don’t care anyway.

I certainly do not have one single regret about this move.  Sometimes I get the vibe that people think I absolutely hate it out here.  That’s not it at all.  I have no one to blame but myself for my actions and sometimes I only wish I would have done more to better my experience.  Yes, there are a few things I should have changed, but overall, no regrets…that’s my motto….and, well you know the rest.
I also think some of my reasons for not putting myself out there and changing things are some of my experiences.  I dealt with a shitty roommate who had our electric turned out twice and almost went to court with, I’ve been in a car wreck, I’ve had fraud and identity theft, the list goes on.  Right when I moved, I had such an amazing string of luck and just got so caught up in the moment of everything going so well.  That feeling slowly began to fade and now my luck has run dry.  I’m not blaming “luck” on my reasoning either…I’m just sick of things not going my way and I think it was becoming emotionally draining.  I also do not want people to think this was a quick last minute decision.  I still can remember the day back in September when I called my dad crying telling him how bad I wanted to come home.  This decision has been completely thought out and weighed in every direction seemingly possible.  I have written everything down numerous times, talked it over with the rents, and even got opinions from close friends.  In fact, I feel as if I’ve put way too much thought into this.  So in the end, this decision was not easy, it took some time, and I can only hope that I am making the right one.  If not, I’m in no mood to care right now.  What’s done is done.  I just want to be back home with the people who love me for who I am.

Not only has this move taught me so much about life, cultures, the west, work, and growing up…it has also taught me a lot about myself as a person.  Again, I could go on about all the things I have learned, but I don’t want to bore you with my new visions of life and how I’ve grown up over the last 2 years.  I will tell you this though…if you EVER come across the opportunity to do something this extravagant, please do it.  Don’t give it any thought, just do it.  Maybe you can see for yourself everything that I saw.  I only wish and hope that people will do what they enjoy. 

After this experience, I hate to see people take the easy way out and around things and only lead a mediocre life.  Strive to be the best you can be at anything you want.  Push yourself a little harder each day and do what is best for you.  I know sometimes it’s difficult, but don’t worry about what other people think.  Live life for yourself!  Most importantly, do what makes YOU happy.  It can tend to be a lot to overcome, but always look at the light at the end of the tunnel and ask yourself “what will be the best end result for me?”  Living this on/off lifestyle out here has taught me so much about finding who I am and doing this that will benefit me and only me.  I have completely stopped worrying about what other people think and have been doing things to benefit me and my results.  I have to do what makes me happy first and foremost. 

I also think a lot of times people look at their past and reflect on what they could have done better and why they didn’t change some of the things they did.  I came to realize that the past is in the past….let it be.  Sometimes you just have to let it go no matter what it takes.  When you dwell on the past, it tends to only make your decisions harder and more drawn out.  Look at the future and the now.  Do things that will benefit you now and in the future.  If you carry around the shadow of your past it can easily haunt you and cause you to make some wrong decisions.  Look at it as a growing tool.  I look my mistakes in the past as a healthy way to learn and grow.  If I were to sit here and be aggravated at the fact that I had my ID stolen, I would probably be a mess.  Instead I learned how to call the bank, talk to the correct people, takes things slow, understand and document everything, and get my money back in just a few simple steps.  I know some things may sound bigger than they are, but they only seem that way if you make it that way.  Get things taken care of while you can and you will learn and grow in ways you never thought were possible!  Take my word for it and just strive to be the best person you can possibly be….you only live one!

Not only have I learned so much as a person, but I have also learned so much about my field and being a Graphic Designer.  In all honesty…I think I have learned more at Bohannan Huston, than I did taking the dumb graphic courses at MSJ.  I just remember sitting out in the lobby watching Cosby on the big screen, “pretending” to do our projects while in class.  Yeah, who lets 3 girls sit out in the lobby instead of actually being in class?  That’s right.  I was so lucky working for BHI.  They really do take care of their employees like you wouldn’t even believe.  They are so updated on technology, software, and hardware.  Our computers were always being updated with the best of the best.  I am really sad to leave my job, and I asked my supervisor if I could just take my cubicle home and work from there, and he pretty much laughed at me.  I took that as a big fat “no.”  But oh well.  It was a great experience and I couldn’t be luckier.

I have made one outstanding friend here in New Mexico and I can’t even begin to thank him enough for everything he has done for me.  Adam, if you ever get the chance to read this…cheers, my friend!  I love you to death, you have been such a great friend throughout all of my experiences and I can only hope our friendship does not end here.  You have taught me so much about life and everything that comes with it.  I know we’ve had our share of ups and downs, but I greatly take everything you share with me and put it in my pocket.  I will never forget some of the amazing times we’ve shared such as skiing and boarding together, playing Wii (“nice on!”), watching every episode of Two and a Half Men, jamming to music, and just hanging out talking.  I’ve learned so much from you, it’s unbelievable.  I think I owe you a lot for having an impact on making me who I am today.  I can’t thank you enough.  You are such a great friend and I can’t wait for you to visit Cincinnati!

Well, this is it.  I’ve said my goodbyes, and I must move forward in my life.  New Mexico has been great and I’d be lying if I said I’m not going to miss it here.  I’ve learned so much about my life and about me personally and I definitely don’t take one single thing back.  I’ve been through so much over the last two years and I can only say I’ve grown from it all.  I look forward to coming home and having a life with my family and friends again.  I couldn’t be happier about my decision and am totally ready to BE BACK IN CINCINNATI!!

If There is Something you can do, DO IT. February 9, 2009

“Here it is:  This is the whole thing, this little book, your life, your values are about you.  How you carry yourself, the sum of your beliefs that you strive to reach far beyond the norm and accomplish great deeds, are about living a life of true value.  It’s all about setting the tone for how you react, how you respond, how you lead in living YOUR life.”

I can officially say I have read an entire book in 4.5 hours.  Yes, this just proves how amazing my life is out here.  I went to Border’s on Saturday and bought a few books Whitney had requested I read.  I came home, sat down on the couch and didn’t get up till the first book was finished.  Needless to say, it was a pretty amazing book and my highlighter went CrAzY!  The title is “Moving Forward:  Taking the Lead in Your Life.”  I think every person who is either going through some difficult time, already went through a difficult time, or just wants to improve themselves, should pick up this book and give it a shot.  I was a little skeptical at first, because a lot of these so-called “self-improvement” books are just full of mumbo-gumbo and riff-raff that usually goes way over my head (Needless to say, I always think of Dr. Phil and his annoying voice, UGH!).  Not this one.  Dave Pelzer (the author) clearly goes past all the garbage and gets straight to the point.  He is also the author of the famous book “A Child Called IT” (I’m sure you’ve heard of it).  It’s the most famous child abuse case in America.  His mother abused him, didn’t let him eat, threw him down the basement stairs, made him sleep on a cot, and literally called him “IT.”  He was not a part of the family…until a teacher from his middle school finally intervened and made sure he was put into foster care.  Now, Dave is a public speaker and an author, and influences men and women all across the world about how to improve yourself, get rid of the garbage in your life, step up, and move on. 

I could take all day and point out the wonderful quotes from this book that I have highlighted, but I don’t feel the need.  You just have to read it for yourself.  Overcoming what he went though is an amazing story to me.  He points out that just because you hit a rough patch in life, doesn’t mean you have to mourn over it for years and years to come.  He brought up the fact that he met some lady at a book signing and she wanted him to help her.  She had been abused one time as a child, and now, 30 years later, she is still going to therapy and getting all worked up and emotional over a 10 minute act of abuse when she was just a little kid.  He tells her “to grow the hell up,” not in a mean way, but in a literal way.  He points out that people can’t depend on therapy for all of their problems.  Why waste your time and money preaching to some strange person?  He also mentions that you usually don’t open up to a therapist until the 4th or 5th session anyway.  Seems likes such a waste to me.  Ultimately, you have to put things in the past, you have to grow up and get over things yourself.  It’s not worth stressing about the little things in life.

Dave also talks about a few rough patches in his life.  In the chapter called “Stepping Up” he talks about going through his divorce.  He moves into a single-house summer cabin that’s at least two decades older than he is (mental picture…ew).  He is sitting on his front steps one day and says “I gave thanks for at least having a roof to provide me shelter and an air mattress to lie on.  I had more than others.  As pitiful as I felt and as alone as I was, I was grateful that at the very least, for a period of my life I had more than anyone could have ever dreamed of.”  I think sometimes people take for granted what they have and own.  I think sometimes people need to take a step back and wonder what would happen if everything they owned was all taken away.  This section makes me think of dad and “the junk house.”  Only a select few will get that.

I think my favorite chapter is called “You Gotta Believe.” 
“Your esteem, which for some, can change within a single beat of your heart, is displayed by how you carry yourself.”  Dave brings up the point that people will see you for how you carry yourself and for what you believe in.  You have to be strong about yourself and at least TRY!  The best quote from this section is “Doesn’t the experience make us a bit stronger or wiser, or, at the very least, provide us with some foundation, some form of a base to build upon?  It damn well should!”  I really enjoy how strongly he words things.  It makes me want to get up and scream “I AM ME AND I AM PROUD TO BE ME!!”

“Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way” he says in the chapter called “Stepping Up.”  He talks about having plans and following through.  Don’t say you’re going to do something and don’t.  That’s a huge no-no in life.  “The more you go for it, the more you succeed.”  He states that some people in the world will try to knock you down, but you being the person you are, the person with self-esteem, has to get back up on your high horse and do what you have to do to make yourself a happier person.  “That’s why you have a vision – you conceive it, you nurture it, and you strive to see it through.  No matter how overwhelming things may be, you hold fast.  No matter what others may say or do, no matter the doubt, you have to know in your heart what is true and why you do what you do.  And that should be enough.”

Okay, I know I said I wasn’t going to ruin this book by stating a bunch of quotes, but I just can’t help it.  Normally I’m not so goo-goo over a stupid little book, but seriously, you need to read this.  Even if you think your life is great and can’t get any better, well take another look around you.  I love helping people strive to be better.  I really want to see people live up to thier potential.  It kills me when people just sit around and do nothing to better themselves.  The least you can do is try.  If all else fails, pick yourself back up and try again.  “Continue to reach out beyond the norm to better yourself, as you grow, you’ll only become stronger.  You’ll only become all the wiser.  So you damn well should be able to take a few jabs along the way.  Come on, you can SO do this.”

“At the end of the day, if you can walk away from a bumpy landing, a not-so-good day at work, or a trying time with the family, well, I hope you can draw a positive experience from it, and make taking on that approach vector another day easier.”  Everytime you’re faced with a difficult challenge, you can at least walk away telling yourself you learned something.  Wether you get over it right away, or have to take baby-steps, either way, it will come.  Rise above and overcome.

This book is really helping me deal with my current situation and my struggles in life right now.  Sometimes I think I’m too hard on myself and I don’t want to disappoint anyone.  But I take a breath, step back and think I need to do this for me and no one else.  I need to make myself happy.  Dave states “If what you’re doing isn’t working for you, shouldn’t you do something different?  I believe you should be happy and achieve all that you desire.”  I think I read that quote everyday, multiple times.  Is that weird?  I just feel comfortable knowing that this is okay and that I will move on.  And yes, maybe this is a rocky, bumpy part in my life…but hey, at least I tried!

And I end by saying:
“Whenever I am faced with a challenge, especially the unexpected and overwhelming ones, I always seemed to reflect on where I came from and how fortunate my life has truly become.  I could think of no other person who was as lucky as myself.  Even with all the chaos, the wild rollercoaster-like highs and lows, and the absolute, petty, needless bullshit flung my way, at least my life was an adventure.  At least I had a purpose.  Even if I failed, at least I TRIED!”